Ah! Lord You brought me to 30? 30? The devil failed with those attempts at age 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 and we are at 30??? 

Listen friend, I have struggled with depression and many a time, wished that life would end. 

I can never forget the encounter of 2012 when I never even knew this God nor cared nothing for Him:

There I was, a University student and in my room for no reason I remember, that evil spirit came again. I was alone in my room – alone in the house – window open and it said to me to take my life. Told me life was not worth living. Told me to die. I opened my window but didn’t know how to do it. I just stared out there and wept and wept and wept. I wanted to go but didn’t know how to. 

A week later, I went to London to visit my brother and me being a bit nosy picked up his phone without his knowledge to go through his messages and behold, a conversation between my brother and my sister. My brother sent a text to my sister telling her that he had a dream I committed suicide and they should pray and fast for me the next day. I checked the date and behold, it was the exact night a week ago where that spirit had come to whisper to me to do the evil act but there is a God whose hand upholds His own even when they care nothing for Him nor His wondrous ways. 

How many more attempts will I speak about? What about the very temptation even as a believer on Sunday 25th April, 2021? 

The Saturday before that day, I had been studying my Bible and even though this was certainly not the first time I had read/come across Psalm 124, ‘If it had not been The Lord on our side…’ It certainly was the first time I saw verse 7: 

“Our (My) soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers: The snare is broken, and we are (I am) escaped.” Psalm‬ ‭124:7‬ ‭

That Sunday, in tears as I relayed the ongoing anguish to my mother, she encouraged but truly, her encouraging words didn’t do much in offering relief. They sounded like the same platitudes and things which I knew and heard again and again. As she rounded off, she asked that we prayed together and just as she was rounding off her prayer, she ends with, ‘Lord, your words says, “our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers, the snare is broken and we are escaped”’.

I tell you, this was my liberty from that particular experience – that verse from the Holy Bible which I had seen for the very first time the previous day, saved in an image and which my mother now referred to the very next day whilst praying for me was my liberty. Immediately, I was restored to life and health and peace! Thank You, Lord!

Friend, the word of God is alive. We must never  grow a contemptible familiarity with the Word of God where we think we know it and don’t bother to know it. We hear John 3:16 and assume we know it so we don’t bother reading it. As much as the Word of God must dwell in us richly, we must always approach His Word with that childlike prayer of the Psalmist:

“Open thou mine eyes, That I may behold wondrous things out of Thy law” (Psalm‬ ‭119:18).

Some may wonder and be scared for me when I speak about depression as though it is a forbidden topic which doesn’t exist. Friend, depression is something that has plagued me for as long as I remember but know this, if my life were my own and if I had control of it, I would have taken it long ago. Long long long ago even before I clocked age 10. 

The point is this: there is a God and He has discriminatingly and embarrassingly chosen me as a vessel of mercy, “that he might make known the riches of his glory on (me), which He had prepared beforehand for glory” (Romans‬ ‭9:23‬). 

A Christian, a born again child of God will NEVER commit suicide and the most profound exposition on this fact is this Spirit led articled penned in 1848 by a lesser known Christian Writer, George Hunt titled, “Can a True Christian Commit Suicide?… (A lesson on the Preserving Grace of God to His redeemed people)” available at the matchless treasury that is Grace Gems, and can be read here.

It is not a taboo to speak about thoughts of death. This is a real struggle that even the best of Christians may face. Charles Haddon Spurgeon who we love and read was hit with intense depression throughout his life and penned these words: “I could say with Job, ‘My soul chooseth strangling rather than life’ (Job 7:15). I could readily enough have laid violent hands upon myself, to escape from my misery of spirit.”

It is written about David Brainerd, the man who lived for only 29 years yet has a lasting legacy in Christian Missions Work: “In his final years, he also suffered from a form of depression that was sometimes immobilizing and which, on at least twenty-two occasions, led him to wish for death.” 

Again, Mother Teresa quoted in the book on her life, ‘Come be my light’: “With regard to the feeling of loneliness, of abandonment, of not being wanted, of darkness of the soul, it is a state well known by spiritual writers and directors of conscience. This is willed by God in order to attach us to Him alone, an antidote to our external activities, and also, like temptation, a way of keeping us humble in the midst of applauses, publicity, praises, appreciation, etc. and success.”

William Cowper (1731-1800), whose hymns and writings would be a joy to anyone who finds themselves fighting this battle, is probably the most prominent Christian Figure on this issue of suicide in Christian History due to him attempting suicide multiple times to the point of him being institutionalised for insanity but His end was peace (Psalm 37:37). 

If depression is not a thorn in your flesh – and indeed, I was surprised when one of my spiritual mentors and close friends who is much older told me this is something that had never crossed her mind nor even experienced, a woman who has borne heavier crosses than the average woman has borne, a woman who knows what it means to lose a grown and brilliant child in her own hands, yet had never experienced the depression that leads one to wish for and seek death, something I was very sure she had due to some of the experiences she’s been through – give thanks to God but never undermine, doubt or abuse a person who says they struggle with depression or even suicidal ideation. It IS real, it IS something that happens and for the true child of God, the battle is already won. 

I have gone on about this issue, not to make myself a billboard or spokesperson for this cause but to testify of the faithfulness of God in my life hitherto and this is not even the most wondrous of His mercies toward me.

To describe my life in one sentence would be: ‘Love that did not, would not, can not and will never let me go.’

To describe my life in one word would be: Mercy. 

To describe my hope in one Word would be: Jesus. 

To express my gratitude to one Person, would be: God.

I am not a Christian because of anything I can get from God. When I consider where I stand in terms of other worldly achievements such as having a stable career with recognisable progress, being financially independent, having a marital home and some of the other things that may be expected of the average 30 year old in our generation, I somewhat feel ashamed at not achieving much in those areas but when I consider the condition of my soul and the relationship I have built with my Heavenly Father through the Person of His Son, Jesus Christ, my heart is encouraged. 

With all of these landmarks of mercy and hope of more to  come, is this (Christianity) a thing I can get up and drop? Is this a thing I can be ‘enlightened’ out of? Let the whole world turn around and leave but You, my God, even if You give me the option to leave You as You gave Abraham and the members of the Hallmark of Faith in Hebrews 11 (v. 15) to, my question to You will always and forever be, “TO WHOM SHALL I GO?” (John 6:68) 

Lord, thank You. For all You have done, for “it is finished!”, I say, THANK YOU! 

For my dear parents, my lovely siblings, my ageless grandpa, my rare friends, my exceptional nephews, my breathtaking niece, my precious church community, my invaluable RMS Kids, my invigorating spiritual mentors, my global sisters in Christ, my tireless website creator, for everyone reading this… Lord, I say thank You. 

For the salvation of my soul, Lord, the gift of all gifts, I say thank You.

I continue to press on this race of life with this promise You gave me in that ‘Perfect’ encounter: 

“Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy”

(‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:24) 

My soul is escaped! It is finished! Glory!